red haired dancing girl: Friday, August 6, 2010

My mind is on fast-forward mode. It's absolutely driving me mad. There's something inside of me, deep inside my gut that's so uneasy

That call from Mr. Davies on Saturday was a HUGE event in my life. It's turned out to be a HUGE decision as well. All of a sudden, I am faced with this haunting question of whether I want to be a professional ballerina or not. I've met many a dancer who has had to face this same decision which is somewhat of a consolation but not much.

I am an artist. My mind is constantly wired on creativity. I'm extremely perseptive. I can focus on one person at the library or at the check-out counter of Walmart, just really focus on them-what their life must be like, their past. I am a writer, a painter, a singer, a dancer. I do and love it all.

This is why I'm scared of taking from Mr. Davies. I'm afraid that my creativity will be slowly narrowed down and that all I'll know will be ballet.

I'm fascinated by ballet, I mean absolutely fascinated by it. And I really believe this fascination began when I started taking ballet from Mr. Davies.

Is it enough to take from Mr. Davies just to take from him? I honestly have no idea the purpose I have for taking from him. All I know is that it will change my life to be his student.

He will be my mentor, not just in ballet but in life. I have this deep sense that he and I have more in common than just a love of dance. He used to be a journalist, a goal I want to achieve in my life and that I have no doubt of becoming.

I know that my mind will burst with writing ideas after each of our one-on-one classes. Of that, I am absolutely positive.

But will it all be for nothing if I don't eventually join a professional ballet company? Will I regret it if I do? Will I regret it if I don't?

Last night, I sat naked in my shower, the water sprinkling on my body. The shower is where I hear God sometimes. Maybe it's because for once I'm in a place where something is constant-the sound of the water as it sprays out like rain.

I was second guessing myself as I sat there.

"Is this a mistake?...But I really want to do this...I HAVE to do this."

Back and forth, back and forth my brain rocked until all of a sudden I closed my eyes and said,

"God, what do I do?"

It was weird because it was as if God took my jolting brain in his hands and just held it, giving me a moment's peace.

When I closed my eyes, everything stopped. Even the sound of the water went mute, as if my ears closed up. Everything stopped only to start back up again when I finished asking,